Speaking of You
It has become a really important noise for me. This high pitched chirp chirp chirp whir chirp whine. I'm not talking about my kids. This is the beautiful sound of my air conditioner in my beat up old Volvo. Any other time, this noise might be annoying. As the sun shines down through my window (which won't open) this chattering sound means my air conditioner is working.I love the noise primarily because I don't always hear it. There are days I will start up my car and in complete rebellion against the climate controls, the a/c remains silent. I've learned a few places I can smack the dashboard which will usually get it going again, but it's a nervous time while I wait for the sound of refreshment incoming.As a car owner too cheap to worry about a minor issue like breathable air, I often wish my cars could talk to me. It would be great if one day the vent would simply say, "Hey Shaun, I notice you are sweating due to the lack of airflow. Did you know that you can unscrew this panel and shoot a little WD-40 into the gears and it will all start rolling again? Let me know if you have any other problems."Sadly my car doesn't talk to me. If it did, I would probably go into a ditch. I would be willing to bet that there is someone out there who my car would talk to. They could listen to my chattering vents and be able to diagnose issues and help me fix the root issues. Given the age and state of my Volvo, they would probably hear a lot of things being said that I just don't understand.Here's a bigger issue I have. I know I can be just like my Volvo to others. There are things wrong. Internal pieces aren't running the way they should and so things which should work easily are painful and inconsistent. But instead of speaking to the issues directly, there is "chatter", "noise", maybe even frustration for those who have to ride along. Probably a safe bet you're making some of the same noises.So why don't we just tell people what's wrong and how they can help us fix it? I only have guesses.Often, I don't even realize there is an issue until it bites me. Unless I have the time and margin to reflect, I might not hear my own "noise".Other times, I worry about burdening people with things they may not care about. I wonder if the person in front of me has the time and margin to listen and help.There is also the very real fear that the person you share with will use your vulnerability to harm you.We have likely all experienced the realities behind all three. We were too overwhelmed trying to stay afloat to ask for help, no one made us believe they wanted to help, or we were actually harmed by the people we were willing to be vulnerable with. I know I have. It makes it harder to do the next time. And so we "chatter" and "whir", hoping we can keep working.I prefer to write about stuff when I think I have an answer. I don't. Acknowledging reality is the best I've got. But as I consider this today, I'm going to commit to thinking about these three things more often.1. Fighting for margin with a vengeance. Schedule in time to reflect and sort out thoughts and feelings. Be willing to disappoint someone to preserve that scheduled time.2. Believe there are people who want to listen, even in opposition to evidence. Beginning by becoming more of a willing listener myself. Though I have always been willing, I wonder how much the people around me know it. Do they believe I want to hear?3. I've written and deleted at least five versions of an answer here. To be frank, I'm not sure what you do with people who have violated trust or used your vulnerability against you. Forgiveness is a clear need. But forgiveness does not equal trust. Can you relate? What has worked well for you?I know a couple things for sure. We all desire to be known and to know others in meaningful relationships. We all have issues under the hood which make relationships difficult. Paul looked back on his own failures and successes with a perspective I'm finding helpful in this thinking about hurts given and received:
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."Philippians 3:13-14 ESV
So speaking of you, how are you?